Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

What the hell happened here.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

reminder

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not