Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

Go hard or stay average

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

dream blunt rotation

Strangers have the best candy.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again