you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask