If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
The dream has died.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.