Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?
*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep
X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
“I don’t want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it’s your fault.” ~ girls
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name