Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No flush

i will avenge u mr van gogh

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

😂

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.