@DanMentos

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

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@DepressedDarth

My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me

@junejuly12

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

@CArmanthegirl

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

@desusnice

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

@Jerrypleasure

[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer

@JoshontheGo

I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

@utofellatio

Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick