My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me
“You’ve reached 911”
“This is not-”
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben shot real bad
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Condoms prevent minivans.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
[At Wedding Ceremony]
Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer
I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick