Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt