You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who