You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
You Might Also Like
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)