You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My beach vacation Google searches
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways