You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.