I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My brain is a bad influence on me
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
What the hell is going on?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.