Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.