You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Haha good job!!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.