Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.