“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.