You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
You Might Also Like
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
wtf is a larm clock?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?