Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination