Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

problems i need

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

I will never stop laughing at this

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

This is my favorite one of these!

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me