Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok