You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”