Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?