YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?