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Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH