Yup
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
mood
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶