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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”