Yup
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I just ran a .003048K
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
We all have our pet causes.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.