Yup
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.