Yup
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
How dramatic are you?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no