Yup
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Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.