Yup
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[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Tuesday
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it