Yup….perfect score!
You Might Also Like
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
goldfish mafia
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one