sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.
It’s OK if you’re older and hate millennials that’s fine but next time you can’t figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”