Yup.
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Donkey Kong sommelier
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact