Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

pep talk

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

i really liked this one

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.