Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs