Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?