Zack Greinke stories are the best
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.