Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

love it when they get my name right

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.