[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Who chose this font
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.