Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
You Might Also Like
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
When you have to use a public restroom.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I have a new favorite meme page
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.