Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”