Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.