Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
me at the job i begged god for
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I am all good here, 😂😉
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”