Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Looking at you, Jesus.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.