Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
i’m sure it’s fine
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too