Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
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Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
When I said I liked it rough.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.