I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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how do y’all walk in shallow water
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
They also CAN sing✌️
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.