Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”