Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.