Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket