Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.