Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
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*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”