Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Sounds like a real hoot.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now