Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier