Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day