Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
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Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
From Facebook just now…
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.