Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

😂🖐️

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies