Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks