Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

He wanted to make sure😂

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.