Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift