Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.