Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
You Might Also Like
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo