Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid