Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”