Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.