Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

went fishing caught a bass

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg