Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence