Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters