@Brampersandon_

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

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@Playing_Dad

Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought

@tweetsbyrocket

me: im terrified of random letters

therapist: you are

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]

@tiffinysawyers

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

@nellyweather

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

@goldengateblond

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

@patnspankme

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

@LoveNLunchmeat

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

@nettie0918

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.