*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

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Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought


me: im terrified of random letters

therapist: you are

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]


Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.


“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”


College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.


If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.


This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer


*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*


The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.