Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
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me: im terrified of random letters
therapist: you are
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.