*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!