*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Saw this yesterday lol
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids