Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Sending in my taxes

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd