Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
technically true but not a great slogan
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Aight bet
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.