Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it