Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
You Might Also Like
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
