ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
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Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Help
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff