Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.